Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
