I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
