you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
