I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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