There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
