My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize