1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
