If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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