Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
