if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
