3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sobbing to NWA
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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