According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
