I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize