youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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