Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
