Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
