brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
