I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
