Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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