im having a threesome with these popsicles
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
