I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
