He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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