I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
