u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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