If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Couch. On fire.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
