hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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