I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
