I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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