just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
