Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
