I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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