It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
