my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
