I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
