sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
