saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
