I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
