and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
