mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
