Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she pinky promised me she was 18
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Randomize
