so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize