There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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