The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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