tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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