take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
