I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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