I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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