Don't make out with my wife yet
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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