dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
