What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
