the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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