Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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