Betty ford says i'm here all night
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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