Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
