Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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