Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
