Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
