Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
