Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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